How to Say No to Maintain Self-Care During the Holidays
Tricia Gehl, Boon Coach
The holidays are here! I’m stepping away from work the last two weeks of the year to focus on all the self- care stuff I’ve been ignoring the last several months. I’m going to book that spa day I’ve been trying to squeeze in since the summer. I’m going to sign up for the new exercise classes I’ve been meaning to try. I’m going to map out my writing room renovation project. Oh, and speaking of writing, I haven’t written anything just for myself in months; I’m definitely going to go sit in a prettily decorated coffee shop and do some writing. It’s going to be glorious. Hold on, my phone is ringing...it’s my mother, she wants to know how many days I will be staying with them over the Holidays, and that she hopes it’s more than just a few. Shoot, my cousin is also texting wanting to know which days I’m free for that gift exchange party. Yikes, now my friend is calling about our annual Holiday dinner. And, a client just emailed asking if I can squeeze in one more session the week of Christmas, before they travel to see their family. *Sigh* I guess my silly personal stuff will have to wait until after the Holidays.
Does this sound familiar? The holidays can be a time of joyous celebration, where we spend time with those we love and cherish the most. It can also be a time of rejuvenation, renewal, and reset, if we are lucky enough to have some extended time away from our jobs. Unfortunately, we often prioritize familial and celebratory obligations over our own personal self-care needs.
Self-care is not selfish
Putting your needs first
So many of us view our own needs as selfish, and place them in the secondary spot (or lower) on our to-do lists. I know we’ve all heard this dozens of times, but you cannot pour from an empty cup. We cannot show up for those in our lives if we don’t show up for ourselves first. Honoring your own wants and needs, first, is not only acceptable but necessary.
Feeding your soul
Self-care is personal and unique to the individual. When we hear the term “self-care,” a lot of us immediately think of things like yoga, meditation, and journaling; those things are terrific, but they are not everyone’s go-to when it comes to renewal. For some people, self-care is locking yourself in a quiet room with a blanket, book, and cup of tea (I may be personalizing a bit here); for others, it’s a long, strenuous sweat session at the gym; for others still, it’s a lengthy car ride while having a deep, meaningful conversation with a best friend. There is no right or wrong way to “self-care.” It’s important to do what feeds your individual soul.
Shifting the “shoulds”
We can get suffocated by “shoulds.” We allow guilt and a sense of obligation to redirect our focus away from the things we want to do and onto the things we believe we should do. This is even more prominent during the holidays. There are always going to be things we have to do, and I am not in any way advocating for being selfish or self-absorbed; however, we need to start sending ourselves the message that it’s okay to let some of those “shoulds” go in favor of taking care of ourselves.
Saying no despite the guilt
- Get clear about what’s behind your needs. Being clear and confident in your POV about your needs is a good place to start. Think about what exactly you’re looking to achieve, or what problem you’re looking to solve, by prioritizing your own needs. The more confident you are around what you stand to gain, the easier it will be to communicate those needs to others.
- Be firm and hold the boundary line. Be kind, but direct when communicating your “no’s.” Start with some form of validation or appreciation, first, then share your “no.” For example:
“That sounds amazing, and I appreciate the invite, but I just don’t have the capacity to attend.”
“Although I always have a fantastic time when visiting, I will need to limit my time away from home to only 1-2 days as I have other personal priorities that week.”
- Provide reassurance where needed, but avoid justifications. None of us want to hurt the feelings of those we love and care about, and sometimes a “cannot attend” rsvp does just that. Although it is a common societal practice to share why we cannot do something, remember that you are under no obligation to over-explain or justify your choice to decline. We can reassure the other party that our choice has nothing to do with them personally, without going overboard or feeling like we need their approval or forgiveness.
- Work with a Life Coach. I work with many clients, especially around the Holidays, on how to say no and avoid “shoulds.” A coach can help you identify where you may be allowing guilt to get in the way of making your health and well-being a priority, when overextending yourself to make others happy.
————————————————————————————————————————